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Humour

Jokes

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.

He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.

'All right, son,' asked the father, 'what does that show you?'

'Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.'


A six year old boy told his father that he and little Mary next door were going to get married.

His dad asked where they would live, he replied that he and Mary had talked it over and they would live in the tree house his father had built.

Dad asked where will you get money to buy food, he replied that they talked it over and decided that if they pooled their allowances they would have money for food.

Dad asked what are you going to do if you have children, he replied that he and Mary had talked it over and agreed that if she laid any eggs, he would step on them.


A man and his little girl were on an overcrowded elevator. Suddenly a woman in front turned around, slapped him and left in a huff.
The little girl remarked, 'That's okay, Daddy, I didn't like her either, she was stepping all over my toes. That's why I pinched her.'


The teacher asked a boy if he knows his numbers. 'Yes,' he said. 'I do. My father taught me.'
'Good. What comes after three.'
'Four,' answers little boy.
'What comes after six?'
'Seven.'
'Very good,' says the teacher. 'Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?'
The little boy smiled and said, 'Jack.'

School Kid


In arguments a woman has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man.

When shopping, a man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 dollar item she doesn't want.


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.''

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher; he's dead.'


After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.

Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.

His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, 'Do it again, Dad!'

Coin


Dysfunctionality


Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation."

"A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and got myself a stepdaughter.

Later, my father married my stepdaughter.

That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law."

"Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother.

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother.& nbsp; This makes my father,the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew & I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!"
"And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!


A man was riding his Harley along a Sydneybeach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 


A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

'Wow!' said her father, 'That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?'

'Wrong number...' replied the girl.

Girl on Phone


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life, thinking they had no faults at all.

**

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday, is to forget it once.

**

Young Son: 'Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'

Dad: 'That happens in every country, son.'

**

A lady placed an ad in the classifieds : 'Husband wanted.'

The next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'


Dogs teach us many things .....

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout ... run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.


Dog


Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say


Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY.

What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party.

Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

Father's Day? Aaahh-don't worry about that-it's no big deal.


Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.


KID TEST
Should You Have Kids?

How To Know Whether or Not You Are Ready to Have Children

I. Mess Test

1. Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.

2. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls.

3. Cover the stains with crayons.

4. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

II. Toy Test

1. Obtain a 20 kilogram box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.)

2. Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

III. Grocery Store Test

1. Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store.

2. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

IV. Dressing Test

1. Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.

2. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

V. Feeding Test

1. Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging.

2. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

VI. Night Test

1. Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 25 kilograms of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM.

2. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM.

3. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

VII. Physical Test (Women)

1. Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes leave it there for 9 months.

2. Now remove 10 of the beans.

VIII. Physical Test (Men)

1. Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself.

2. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store.

3. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

IX. Final Assignment

1. Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how theycan improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners.

2.Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

(Special thanks to Neil Porter for this test for potential parents)

 


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me

 


Twin Brothers

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

'Why are you crying?' the father asked.

'Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken' answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. 'What are you so happy about?' he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied:

'Somewhere in here, there's got to be a pony!'

 


KIDS ADVICE TO KIDS

'Never trust a dog to watch your food.'

Patrick, age 10.

'When your dad is angry and asks you ‘Do I look stupid?’ Don’t answer,'

Hannah, age 9.

'Never tell your mum her diet is not working.'

Michael, age 14.

'Stay away from prunes.'

Randy, age 9.

'When your Mum is annoyed with you, don’t let her brush your hair.'

Taylia, age 11.

'Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.'

Traci, age 14.

'A puppy always has bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.'

Andrew, age 9.

 


Meet the Parents

One evening, a teenage girl brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were horrified by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. 'Dear,' says the mother delicately, 'he doesn't seem very nice.'

'Oh please, Mum,' replied the daughter, 'if he wasn't a nice guy, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?'


Laughter

At a doctors surgery one morning a patient arrives
complaining of serious backache.
The doctor examines him and asks him
'What the hell did you do to your back?'
The patient replies
'You know that I work for a local night club?
Well this morning I got home to my apartment early
and heard a noise in my bedroom.
On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wife
and the balcony door was open.
I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone.
As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out
and he was dressing himself.
I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,
that's how I strained my back'
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck.
The doctor says 'My previous patient looked bad,
but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?'
He replies, 'You know I have been unemployed for a while now.
Today was the first day at my new job.
I forgot to set my alarm and was running late.
I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time,
and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge.'

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other
two patients do.The doctor is shocked.
Again he asks, 'What the hell happened to you?'
'Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor!'


Do Looks Count?

'It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet.' -- Brian, age 7

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